Moments that Define Us

Your wedding day, the birth of a child, the loss of love. In life there are many moments that define us. Five years ago today was one such moment for me. It was on that day that my life, my children's lives, so many lives would be forever changed. It was about 2 in the afternoon before I began to worry that I hadn't heard from Ed yet, that he wasn't answering his phone, that he wasn't returning my calls. The next few hours would be the longest hours of my life. The police were looking for him, I made arrangements for someone to pick up the kids. I waited, so afraid of what had happened. I think it was about 5 pm when I began to realize that things were not good. This was not just me over-reacting. Something was wrong. The police told me to wait at home. So I did. I remember my sister calling out of the blue, and me telling her that I thought he was dead. Ironically this was the sister who just months before this, had buried her husband who died of a Brain Tumor. My parent's arrived before the police. My pastor accompanied the police. I recall just screaming and crying on my mother's shoulder.

It was a defining moment. Looking back, it feels like a movie I watched on tv, not my life. How, after all, do we survive these moments? How did I breath that first day? How did I get out of bed that first week? How did my children get fed, and cared for that first year? How did the bills get paid? How did life manage to go on?

I was told early on by a well meaning pastor that I had a choice. I could choose to have this moment make me Bitter or Better. At the time, I had a few choice words for him under my breath, which would definately lean toward the first of his choices. But after time, those words would ring in my head. Bitter or better. But it wasn't a single choice. I had to each day, each new situation, choose the latter. Many days, I did not. I was bitter. I was angry. I felt abandoned, guilty, sad, furious. But each day God granted me a little more acceptance, a little more hope, a little more grace.

Here I am. five years later. Still standing. And I might say, I am a better person for what I have survived. A much better person. Still growing in that, far from perfect, but I am glad to see that I allowed life's inequities to not hold me down.

I am so grateful for my new chance at life, for the love I have found, for having family and friends that love me., for the God who makes it all possible.

I think of Ed. I barely remember somedays. I hate to say that the tragedy of his death tainted my memories of the man I fell in love with and married. With suicide, so often we remember how they died, but forget about how they lived.

Ed. A great dad. He loved his boys and Abby with all his heart. He loved to get on the floor and play with them, to wrestle them, to talk to them about what was going on in their lives. A compassionate and caring man who felt things deeply, who was constantly striving to be a better man. So many things that will forever be Ed to me... fishing, Starbucks, camping in the woods, Eric Clapton, weekend road trips, His famous BBQ ribs on his weber grill, family game night on the screen porch, woodworking, and so much more.

Today I want to remember the man who's life was cut way to short by the beast of depression. I prayed so long and hard that God heal him and give him peace. I believe he has that peace today, that peace that eluded him in this life.

Edward Thomas King
July 28, 1959 - August 13, 2002