Friday, August 31, 2007

Week Three of Project Me

I'm nearing the end of my thirda week of working out and trying to eat better. I have managed for three weeks to get to the gym and exercise for 30-45 minutes a day, 6 days a week. In the morning, mind you, and I am not a morning person.

I haven't freqented a fast food restaurant in that time. I have drank at least 64 oz of water each day. I have limited my other frinks to one Diet Pepsi a day. I have cooked a balanced dinner everynight this week, and brought leftovers for lunch the next day. I've eated my egg and whole wheat toast each morning. I've taken my vitamins. I've even done this all while suffering from really horrendous seasonal allergies. (Which I believe are better this year because I am doing this).

Can someone tell me why my pants are not fitting better? Why I am not seeing any difference in my body?

I'm frustrated. I need to start seeing some results, I'm not looking for anything major. Just a little looser fit on my waist line.

Ok, gotta run. I will keep on keeping on. It has to start happening soon.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

The long and winding road

I was reading on the Widow Board this morning about others who have experienced losing a spouse to suicide. Yes, after five years I still frequent the YWBB. Not so much for support, as to hopefully give someone a glimmer of hope. I can remember (barely) those early days of grief. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. All I saw when I looked forward was pain. It was dark and I was all alone, or so I thought.

Suicide causes a myriad of emotions to be dealt with. Anger, sadness, angst, guilt, deep feelings of abandonment, feeling like you were not "good enough" to stick around for, caregiver relief, fear of what others are thinking, remorse for every little thing you did in your marriage that "MAY" have caused the suicide. Yes, that is the mind of a SOS. It's a long winding road, this complicated grief. It is not linear. at first the dips and curves toss us and turn us every which way. Just when you feel you have worked through one emotion, you are hit with three more, and then the one you had "put behind you" makes a reappearance in your life.

Today, five years later, I feel I am on a more peaceful plain. My road is not so chaotic. I can honestly say that the stigma of suicide does not bother me, the emotions do not creep up on me like they once did. My mourning is in the past, for the most part. The loss is forever a part of who I am. Ed is forever a part of who I am. But today, I see the good that has come from surviving this experience. I can love more fully. I can appreciate the gifts we receive in this life. I treasure my new husband, wow, I have been blessed.

But still I look back and am amazed at the long and winding road of grief and survival that now lies behind me. I would have never made it without my friends and a God who loves me so.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Working Out would be so much easier if....

I weren't so dang fat! lol

I've made through week two of working out. Today I feel really great, but will admit that rest of the week was a real struggle. I'm getting up at 6:30, going to the gym for 30-40 minutes, going home to get myself ready for work, and three kids ready for school. We are out the door at 7:50 so I can take them and the 2 neighbor kids to two different schools, and get on the road to work. I get here at 8:30, and then the real fun begins.

I WANT to enjoy this. I want the extra energy getting active provides. It is just soooooo hard to create this new habit, new lifestyle.

I have DRAGGED myself out of bed each day this week.

When does it get easier?

As they say in AA, one day at a time. Keep on keeping on. 11 years ago I completely changed my life... one day at a time. The only way out is through. Keep it Simple Stupid. Yes, I can see how this is similar.

And as much as I don't want to "diet" (hate that 4-letter word), I do need to provide my body with the foods that will give me the energy to workout. I feel better today cause after working out I cooked a egg and some whole grain toast. Need to get my vitamins pumping too. Think I will go online and order my protien shakes I used to like so much.

Ok, I can do this. Week two was a success. Keep on keeping on!!! And I am so happy to see some of my fellow bloggin-widows have decided to join me in my quest to get moving! How's it going, girls? I hope it is going well. We're in this together!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Feeling at Peace

It's been a really busy year for me. Starting with getting the new job, then the engagement, the move, selling one house, buying another, relocating with two kids, new schools, new friends, planning a wedding, marriage, blending a family, and a new business to boot. Yes, busy would probably be an understatement.

There have been moments during all of these positive changes, that I thought I would not be able to hold under the stress. Yes, good
changes are still stress inducing. During all of this time, while Brad and I have worked so hard to pull together this new normal, I realize that I had been neglecting myself. I stopped exercising, I starting eating as a way to cope with all the newness and uncertainty.

For the last 11 days I have been working on me. I have made it to the gym 9 times in 11 days. I am feeling better about myself, and about my life. I have to say, I have not lost a pound, but that is ok. I'm sure over time, those benefits will be enevitable. But what I want to focus on are the other benefits. Overall, I feel more positive about life. I am more patient with my kids. I have more energy. I'm getting up and doing something that is good for me, whether i want to get up or not is beside the point. I am doing it, and will continue to do it.

Today I feel more at peace with my life than I have in a long, long, looooooong time... dare I say ever? Yes, I have more peace and satisfaction right now than I have ever had. I feel like I am on the right track now. For so long, I just wondered where I belonged, I feared I would never have someone whom I cherished and who cherished me. Now it all seems so natural, and for that I am so grateful.

I just wanted to take one moment to bask in my new found happiness.

Monday, August 20, 2007

I made it to the gym this morning

that's all I wanted to say. :-)

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Week One

I'm going to take a moment an toot my own horn! I did it! Week one went so well. I made it to the gym everyday except Friday. (Before work too, and I am NOT a morning person!) I treated myself to a new pair of workout shoes (oh, and a really cute black pump).

Anyway, I feel so great having stuck to the workouts this week! I think that blogging about this is helpful, as it keeps me accoutable. I don't want to have to come here and say "I gave up" I want to come her and tell you all how great it is going. So that keeps me working.
I looked at some before and after pictures of myself on my old trainers website.

Holy crap, I looked so much better at the end of our six month program. Now, I look like the before pics again. But that is ok. Now I know that I can do it again. And this time, I have committed to a year with the exercise. I think doing it without the trainer will be good. I can make the workouts more fun for me. (Although he was pretty hot and that was great motivation to a widow of 3 years, lol)
Hmmmm, perhaps if this week goes well, I may have to actually weigh myself. I'm not big on the weigh in's cause I know I am building muscle, so the scale will actually not show as much progress as I am actually making. I usually go by the way my clothes fit to mark my progress. I do know what my starting weight was, as I had a physical on day one. I'm sure this blog is boring, and I my house is a disaster, and my kids have no clean underwear. Better get busy.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Day three... hump day

It felt like a mountain, not a hump. The alarm went off, and I just wanted to sleep. Why does that happen? I'm working out, eating well. I even got lots of sleep last night. But I only snoozed once, and still made it to the gym. I felt great once I got my ipod on. I did it! I put in a good 30 minutes of weights and the rowing machine.

Went out to lunch with the girls at work, and ordered off the "healthier choices" at Fridays. Thought I might feel deprived, but it was really, really good! My friend Marsha's blog just stopped me from wanting to scarf a box of Thin Mints, so that was good.

Here is what I struggle with. When you are very overweight, that goal seems so far away, and I have never been very successful at sticking to a fitness program. I get down. I want to see immediate benefits. I feel better, but then I look at my reflection, and .... how do I say this.... I am still fat. (DUH, you've only been working out for 5 days!)

I think a good friend hit the nail on the head... I need to not overdo it. It needs to be enjoyable, not painful. So that is my goal... get into working out. Commit to moving my body in some enjoyable way 5 days a week for 30 minutes a day. Some days I will do more, we'll see how I feel. I just want the size 6 body without the work. NOT GONNA HAPPEN! Ok, I will be really happy in a size 10. I'm not looking to be model thin.

I would like to be able to keep up with the kids and not get tired.

I want to go for a long day of shopping and not have my feet throbbing in pain.

I want to go to the petites department and find clothes that fit me.

Those are my goals. I know it will take time. One day at a time. One day at a time. {repeat}

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Project Me: Days 1 & 2

DAY 1 - Monday, Aug. 13, 2007

Gym from 6:45 - 7:30am
5 minutes on the stepper to rev up my heart rate
25 minutes of strength training with free weights
5 minutes of ab work
10 minutes on the elliptical

Kashi with skim milk
Salad with grilled chicken
Rice Cake
Tacos for dinner (Should have stopped at one, but had seconds. grrr)
Drank 72 ounces of water. :-) and two diet cokes

Wow! What a great day. Loads of energy. Just in a great mood. Hey, I should do this more often. (And considering it was the 5 year anniversary of Ed's death, that is saying a lot)
It felt sooooooo great to workout. I was on an adreneline rush all day.

DAY 2 - Tuesday, Aug. 14, 2007

Gym from 6:30 - 7:15
Elliptical for 15 minutes
Treadmill for 15 miutes
5 minutes of ab work

Taco Salad (Lettuce, meat, salsa, little cheese)
Diet coke
Microwave popcorn
Pork Roast, Carrots, Mashed Potatoes
Glass of skim milk
60 ounces of water

Well, I had to go for a physical and when weighed the lady said, "You don't weigh that much!!!" Yes, I hide it well, but I am way over weight. It was hard getting up today. Stayed up too late and only got 5/5 hours sleep. But I did it. I'm a little sore from yesterday. Not has exhilerated. Need to rev up my water intake. Will post more later.


My mountain to climb

I haven't wanted to post about this on my blog because then I may actually be held accountable to this. But the time has come. By not acting, by not becoming accountable, I am only hurting myself.

I need to lose weight.

I really need to.

My friends, my family, people who have in the past always been heavier than me, are now getting in shape, running marathons, feeling and looking great. And I keep gaining.

It isn't about vanity. Really, it isn't. It is about quality of life, health, being around to watch my kids grow up. It scares me, but at the same time, I cannot seem to rid myself of these horrible habits I ahve developed. I cannot seem to foster the new habits needed to make this change. I have the knowledge. I know HOW to do this. I know WHAT to eat. I know I need to eat a lot LESS than I do now. I know I need to stop thinking that for some reason it is ok to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I know I need to get moving, I need to take care of this Body God has given me. I KNOW ALL OF THIS. WHY IS IT SOOOO HARD TO JUST DO IT? Can anyone tell me the answer to that question?

Here it is, for all to see. People I know and love, people I don't know who googled me, people who don't even really like me but come read my boring little blog.

I need to lose 50 lbs. to be healthy.

I started yesterday, on the 5th anniversary of Ed's death. Year five is the year that I start caring for ME. I am going to use this blog to track my progress, my successes and failures. So here goes nothing. I am going to hit the submit button. Anyone care to join me?


Monday, August 13, 2007

Moments that Define Us

Your wedding day, the birth of a child, the loss of love. In life there are many moments that define us. Five years ago today was one such moment for me. It was on that day that my life, my children's lives, so many lives would be forever changed. It was about 2 in the afternoon before I began to worry that I hadn't heard from Ed yet, that he wasn't answering his phone, that he wasn't returning my calls. The next few hours would be the longest hours of my life. The police were looking for him, I made arrangements for someone to pick up the kids. I waited, so afraid of what had happened. I think it was about 5 pm when I began to realize that things were not good. This was not just me over-reacting. Something was wrong. The police told me to wait at home. So I did. I remember my sister calling out of the blue, and me telling her that I thought he was dead. Ironically this was the sister who just months before this, had buried her husband who died of a Brain Tumor. My parent's arrived before the police. My pastor accompanied the police. I recall just screaming and crying on my mother's shoulder.

It was a defining moment. Looking back, it feels like a movie I watched on tv, not my life. How, after all, do we survive these moments? How did I breath that first day? How did I get out of bed that first week? How did my children get fed, and cared for that first year? How did the bills get paid? How did life manage to go on?

I was told early on by a well meaning pastor that I had a choice. I could choose to have this moment make me Bitter or Better. At the time, I had a few choice words for him under my breath, which would definately lean toward the first of his choices. But after time, those words would ring in my head. Bitter or better. But it wasn't a single choice. I had to each day, each new situation, choose the latter. Many days, I did not. I was bitter. I was angry. I felt abandoned, guilty, sad, furious. But each day God granted me a little more acceptance, a little more hope, a little more grace.

Here I am. five years later. Still standing. And I might say, I am a better person for what I have survived. A much better person. Still growing in that, far from perfect, but I am glad to see that I allowed life's inequities to not hold me down.

I am so grateful for my new chance at life, for the love I have found, for having family and friends that love me., for the God who makes it all possible.

I think of Ed. I barely remember somedays. I hate to say that the tragedy of his death tainted my memories of the man I fell in love with and married. With suicide, so often we remember how they died, but forget about how they lived.

Ed. A great dad. He loved his boys and Abby with all his heart. He loved to get on the floor and play with them, to wrestle them, to talk to them about what was going on in their lives. A compassionate and caring man who felt things deeply, who was constantly striving to be a better man. So many things that will forever be Ed to me... fishing, Starbucks, camping in the woods, Eric Clapton, weekend road trips, His famous BBQ ribs on his weber grill, family game night on the screen porch, woodworking, and so much more.

Today I want to remember the man who's life was cut way to short by the beast of depression. I prayed so long and hard that God heal him and give him peace. I believe he has that peace today, that peace that eluded him in this life.

Edward Thomas King
July 28, 1959 - August 13, 2002

Thursday, August 9, 2007


I want to thank my good friend Marsha for tagging me on her blog last week. I would probably have blown it off, but I feel soooo bad for missing her birthday, that I thought my gift to her would be that I'd reply to her tag.

So here are the rules:
1. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
2. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their eight random facts.
3. Players should tag eight other people and notify them they have been tagged.

8 Random Facts about me:
1. I come from a BIG family. I'm the youngest of 8 children. I have 35 first cousins, 24 neices and nephews.
2. Horrible confession: Out of my 7 siblings, I only know 3 of their birthdays. (big family, we don't really do birthdays) (I hope that makes you feel better, Marsha!)
3. When I was a little girl, I was obsessed with Cats. My nickname was Cat Casey. (BTW, my initials backwards were CAT (Casey Ann Tricia). Oh yes, and I was always Tricia... no one ever called me Trish until college.
4. I have a degree in English Literature. Yet I have only read about 5 adult novels from start to finish in the last 5 years. (I know, the horror)
5. I hate putting my laundry away. It can sit in baskets or on top of my dresser for weeks. I hate that about myself.
6. I love spicy food. The hotter the better. I love eathing Thai doused with Red Chili Pepper sauce. Love mexican covered in Jalepenos.
7. As a small child I could lay on my stomach, bend my legs over my head and take off my glasses with my toes. (No, can't do that anymore!)
8. I have never, and will never live to be 5 feet tall. Yes, my drivers license claims that I am (It also shows my age 17 weight! hee hee), but in reality, I am 4 feet 11.75 inches tall.

Ok. If you read this, consider yourself tagged!