How it feels to be almost married

I am anxious. I want the day to be here.

I am stressed. There is much to do, so I wish the day were farther away.

I am tired. I wish there were more hours in each day.

I am frustrated. {note: superficial rant on} With relatives who don't send replies, don't return phone calls, decide they are not coming, but fail to notify us, that say things like, "We'll be there unless we can get the guy to come work on our septic system that day" -- That send replies that say things like "I'd like to be there. We'll see!", then send a gift with a card that says, "Just in case I can't be there in person!" I do not care if these people come or not! But PLEASE, I need to know if I need to feed you and your family. GRRRRR! {Ok, superficial rant off.}

I am scared. I realized yesterday that I am afraid to think about growing old with Brad. Deep in my soul, I feel that somehow this happiness is going to be snatched away in a hearbeat. When I try to think about us as gray-haired (ok, I already have gray) happy old couple, enjoying our grandkids... well, I just cannot. And that SUCKS. I wish there was a guarantee that lightening could not strike twice in our lives, but I know there are no such guarantees.

Ok, that was a bit of a "only a widow can understand" downer paragraph if I ever did read one.

I am all of those things... anxious, stressed, frustrated, tired.

But I am happy. I am happier than I have ever been. Brad makes me so happy. I can get crabby with him, he can get crabby with me. But at the end of each day, he is there for me. If I haven't mentioned it, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Brad is so good to me and the kids. He is the man that I was praying for, long before I met him. He makes me want to grow old with him... And I think I will try to imagine it... to hope for it... to expect that again.

Above all other feelings, today I feel blessed.

Trish

ps. I am taking another day off of work on Thursday. It feels good to make that choice. I can relax a little now and start enjoying the celebration a day earlier! woo hoo!!!!

One week?

OMG, it's one week from today!!!

I cannot wait!!!

No list today, just a note to say that I will be walking down the aisle in ONE WEEK and marrying the most wonderful man in the world.

I'm getting it done!

I have called the relatives. I have my counts. I have my childrens ages listed. I've figured out who should be at the rehearsal dinner. Can't find a cleaning lady, but Brad assures me we can get it all cleaned. Got our honeymoon shopping done. Bought some makeup for the wedding day. Printed 3 sets of our honeymoon itinerary (one for each of us, and one to leave here with his mom)

I'm feeling good about what I accomplished yesterday and today!

Updated to do list:

Rehearsal:

1. Give final count to Brad's aunt
2. Talk to Brad's mom regarding decorations
3. Make shopping list and shop for drinks / paper plates / Napkins / Cups
4. Clean house. (Couldn't find a cleaning service :-( )
5. Have Brad set up canopy in back yard on Friday 5-25

Wedding Ceremony:

1. Select readings for the ceremony
2. Ask my brother what song they are singing, and who is singing
3. Get details for the program to the church
4. Send invitations for the reception to the church pastor and musician

Reception:

1. Send approximate counts to reception hall
2. Make estimated payment to reception hall
3. Determine how we are getting to the reception. Who will drive us? Who will drive the kids?
4. Send play / Don't play list to DJ
5. NO ARRANGED SEATING! Sit where you want! Yeah!
6. Arrange who will be taking kids home. (Brad's parents??)
7. Who will take our wedding gifts home?
   

Other:

1. Shop for wedding night stuff
2. Buy a card and a gift for Brad
3. Buy gifts (Jewelry) for bridesmaids
4. Buy gifts for groomsmen
5. Pack for honeymoon
6. Pack for Clayton's trip to grandpa
7. Layout everything for Abby's recital

Backbone

So yesterday I fired my DJ.

He was an ass.

While filling out his paperwork, which asked all sorts of odd and intimate details of our lives, I discovered that this man demanded 16' x 8' to set up his "gig" (that is the size of my dining room). In addition are the demands that this space needs to be at the side of the dancefloor. the only wall adjacent to the dance floor is the wall with the french doors that open to the veranda. Sorry! You cannot have that wall. I offered him either of two corners adjacent to the dancefloor that are about 10 feet across. He said, "Not big enough" I told him I did not want an elaborate light show. he said, "Not optional" We are having the reception in a hall that at max holds 180 people, and we will have about 150 people. I do not want a DJ that tkes up half the room. UGH.

Ok, so what was his response? He told me that the light show is not optional. He told me that his configuration was not changeable. He told me that I was paying the reception hall, and they should accomodate his needs. I told him that I was paying him, and he should accomodate MY needs. Needless to say, yesterday I called around and found a DJ that has worked this room many times before, and was even willing to knock $100 off his price. (Since I will not be seeing my $100 deposit from this other jerk). So I booked the new guy, and canned the old guy.

UGH.

Add to that the friend who emailed me that she was going to be down in the area this coming weekend (the weekend before the wedding) and she wanted to get our kids together for a playdate.

Nice you say? Yes, nice, except it was her email that reminded me that I totally forgot to invite her to the wedding. I've known her since my son was in her daycare class 7 years ago. She came and worked for me for the last 3 years watching my kids in my house. We've hung our together. Our kids are really close. And I forgot to invite her.

I feel like a complete &*(&*(^ What do I do? Do I call her and say, "Hey, I forgot to invite you to the wedding. Wanna come? It's in 2 weeks." Or do I let it go?

This wedding stuff is complicated. Trying to keep it small when I have 7 siblings, 26 Aunts and Uncles, and 26 neices and nephews is not easy.

oh, and if anyone reading this is upset they I did not invite you, please don't be. If I invited everyone I love and who is important to me, the guest list would have topped 500 (or 5000 if I invited the board).

Ok, that is my bridal stress of the day. Comments are welcome and appreciated.

Trish

We're getting there

I took an emergency I'm getting married in less than 3 weeks day off yesterday. Poor Brad... nothing like a bride on a mission. I dragged him all over the place, but we got lots of things accomplished. Here is a list of what we DID get done:

• Took his suit in to correct the alterations


• Took my dress in for alterations. It will be ready 6 days before the wedding


• Bought ties for Brad and his men


• Bought a unity candle holder and the candles


• Bought place cards for seating


• Met with the reception hall and made all of our choices for food and drink and room set-up


• and here is the big one.......We got our marriage license!

So, yes, it is official with an official Piatt County seal of authenticity. Brad and Trish are getting married. Wow. I cannot tell you how absolutely amazing it felt to walk out the door with those papers in hand. Honestly, I can tell you I have never been this happy. Never.

Sometimes I feel like the odd widow out. Most of my widow friends had these wonderful marriages the first time. Mine was challenging from day one. It was lopsided from the very beginning. When Ed died, I grieved for the loss of my children's father. I grieved for all Ed would miss out on. I grieved for what never was, but I had always believed would become of our love. I grieved because I feared I would never know that kind of love.

With Brad, I feel so loved, so cherished, so secure. Today I cry tears of joy when I feel Brad's presence. It is like someone who has gone their lifetime without tasting anything but bread and water. Than after 37 years, they are placed at a feast and told they can have all that they desire. Yes, it is that good. And I am so forever grateful for the gift I have been given. Thank you Lord. You are ever faithful.

todotodotodo

• Meet with Pastor / organist DONE
• Arrange with church to have the rehearsal dinner DONE
• Tanning Appointment DONE
• Dress Alterations
• Earrings
• Finalize reception menu
• Call Aunt Linda with count for rehearsal dinner
• Abby - tights
• Cleaning lady to come Friday 5/25 (Brad claims he will do the cleaning!! ha ha ha
• Marriage License
• Complete DJ info sheet and mail (Editted to add "Without getting into a fight about it")
• Go shopping for clothes for Hawaii
• Go buy some new make-up for the wedding
• Brad Ivory Dress Shirt
• Brad Tie
• Marriage License
• Figure out how we are getting from ceremony to reception

In addition, I asked my brother and his kids to perform a song at the wedding and he said yes. I know we have not gotten much checked off, but Brad didfinish his finals (Hurray!) and we successfully launched our toy business at a street festival this weekend, so we have been beyond busy. This week promises to get lots knocked off the list... but it looks like today is a wash, as I accidentally took Brad's car keys to work with me, rendering his useless to accomplish anything that takes him outside a mile radius of our home. grrrrrrr.

The stressed out forgetfulness has kicked in with a vengence. We have no more than an hour of down time in over a week. But, in three weeks, we will have nothing to do but sip drinks on the beach... knowing that, I can get through this.... I can get through this!

In his arms

Ever taken one of those internet surveys? You know the ones that your friends forward around asking what your favorite color is, what flavor ice cream you like, what color shoes you are wearing. I suppose you will find it odd that I never quite know how to answer those questions. I like lots of things, and I am fairly easy to please. Well, one of the questions often is what is your favorite feature on a man. That is one of those questions that has always left me confused. I like eyes, I like a good butt... hmmm... but what is it that reallllllly gets me?

Yesterday I figured it out. It is his arms. I love the feeling of a man holding me in his arms. I love the security it represents. This hit me at the strangest moment. We were sitting in church, and he wrapped his arm in mine. And tears fell from my eyes. At this moment, it felt like God came down and said, "Trish, I know all these years you have had to trust by faith that I held you in my arms. Today, I want you to feel my arms around you." Yes, after five years of feeling alone in marriage, and almost five years of feeling alone in widowhood, today, I am no longer alone. In just twenty days, I will be half of a "we" again. I am so grateful for the decade of feeling alone, for that has allowed me to truly appreciate what I have been given. Thank you God.