Egan Daniel has arrived!!!

And we are all doing great! Egan Daniel was born on 2-20, Weighed 7lbs 13oz. and was 20 inches long! Ok, he wants to eat... gotta run!

Ever feel insignificant?

I am feeling insignificant lately.
I have a wonderful husband who loves me dearly.
He is my rock. He makes me feel wonderful and so very loved.

But here I stand. 12 days til I am due to give birth to my son.
I should be overjoyed. Anxious, impatient, and overjoyed. And most days I am.
But today, yesterday... I am weighed down with sadness.
I have not talked to my mom in over a week. I have three sisters who never call me. I have a best friend who has not called. I feel like the people who should be the most excited for me have completely forgotten me. They even post to eachother on Facebook, but nothing to me. Not even a "how ya feeling?" or "Can't wait til he's here" NOTHING. NADA. And it makes me feel so very unimportant.

It hurts. But it is nothing new. Just wishing my phone would ring, and tired of being the one to have to constantly do the reaching out.

If you read this, I would like to thank you for joining my little hormonal pity party. Now time to try to turn my focus on the many blessings in my life.

Baby Update

The update is that the baby is still hanging out inside! I am growing more and more anxious and impatient to meet this little guy! (oh, and to get my body back and to be on maternity leave!) I'm in the clear, 37 weeks... so COME ON BABY!!!!! Every day, every night I think "this is it" but it's not.

Just wanted to give a quick update.

The waiting is definately the hardest part!!!

Vent

I feel like crap and I wish I could go lay down, sleep comfortably, wake up and have the baby. I wish I could stop screaming at my kids. I have no patience. I am ticked off that a 3rd grade teacher thinks it is ok to plan a huge geography test, a huge math test, AND a book report all to be due Thursday and Friday of this week. (a holiday week, none the less.) I'm tired of this same teacher not being able to pick her battles with a child who struggles so much in school, that she has keep him in from recess and send a note home cause he was staring off and not paying attention in math class. Ok, so the kid spaced out and didn't know what problem you were on when you called on him. GIVE ME A BREAK. He didn't hurt anyone today. He didn't get in a fight, say something inappropriate, forget his homework, HE SIMPLY SPACED OUT FOR A MINUTE! Don't we all? It appears that he can do nothing right in this very young and inexperienced teacher's eyes, and my hormonal, irritable, pregnant self is about ready to go off on her. UGH.

I am tired of my kids being nasty to eachother. They can fight about anything. I swear, they can go on arguing about whether the sky is blue for hours. Funny thing is that in MOST of these stupid arguments, NONE of them knows what they are talking about. They are all wrong, and I find that quite humorous.

Speaking of kids... WHY can they never put there homework in their folder and folder in their backback? Why can they never find their shoes without me? WHY do I have to remind them to brush their teeth? Put clothes in the hamper? Make beds? Flush toilets? Turn off a light? One would think they'd start doing this stuff just to stop having to hear me tell them to do it.

OH, where is that loving, patient, kind mother I always thought I'd be?

Please tell me this is hormones and a serious lack of quality sleep that is making me so irritable and moody. I'm so irritable, that I'm bugging myself.

Oh sweet Jesus, bring me peace of mind.

So much to do... but so very tired

I am tired.

I find myself muttering that under my breath 100 times a day. I have 6 more weeks of pregnancy (if the little man comes on schedule). This is just the time that you want work to get stressful, and have major deadlines given to you. Oh, and the prospect of being required to work some evenings and Saturdays. Apparently it hasn't been noticed that I can barely make it through the 40 hours a week I am working right now.

My brain is foggy. It can focus on nothing except the fact that in 6 weeks, I will be the mother of 4 children -- the mother of 4 children that also works fulltime outside the house. How can I write training documentation at a time like this??? Tell me... I need to get some rest to prepare for this upcoming life change.

I feel for my three kids. They have one tired and irritable mom these days. Every little thing they do is driving me NUTS. And Brad, well, he is reaching sainthood, putting up with my tired, hormonal, irritable self. He is my rock.

I cried in church today. We sang a song about putting our faith in God in troubled times (too tired to remember what the song was... lol). I cried tears of joy, for what God has brought me through. That although I am tired and cranky, it is a good tired and cranky. I am so blessed. I remembered a time, 6 years ago, when I would have sang that song from a whole different perspective. THen I thought that the miracle of God is not that I survived Ed's suicide, and now have been blessed with Brad, Clayton, Mike and Abby... and the baby. No, the miracle of God's love was that when my life was at it's darkest moment, I still found the joy of the Lord. I remembered playing praise music in my living room, dancing with my 1 & 4 year olds, just months after losing their daddy. Now that is the miracle of Jesus' love. He holds us in our darkest moments. And now I look back, in awe and amazement that this is my life. He is the God of second chances. He took me from a life of depression and alcoholism, and delivered me to this life... although it is crazy, it is wonderful.

And although I am tired, I am blessed.

Update on Me

Today I am 33 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Yes, I am counting the days... would be counting the minutes if I knew! I am so anxious to meet our little boy. He is an active little guy! Likes to keep me up at night with his flips, kicks and turns. We are slowly but surely getting the house and our lives ready for him to join us.

Time seems to be dragging at a snails pace. Perhaps it is the lack of sleep that pregnancy near 40 causes. God is definately preparing me for those sleepless nights! I want March 3rd to arrive so badly, but at the same time, I have so much to get done before then, that I want time to stop for a while. Brad has been painting, and building a new bedroom and moving beds and dressers. I have been doing the little I can before my body gives out on me. (which is very little!) I'm still working, although I am having trouble fitting behind the steering wheel of the van to get there! lol. My boss is allowing me some work from home time, which helps so I can take rests throughout the day.

I'm emotional, and irritable these days. I feel bad for Brad and the kids, who seem to get the brunt of my short-temper these days. But God love my husband... he just keeps on loving me, warts and all! I am really blessed.

Other than that, I've been feeling sad about some stuff with my family. It is a feeling that comes and goes. But the long and short of it is that I have always felt a little like a fish out of water. I have 3 sisters who are all friends and talk on a regular basis. I have always felt like the one that doesn't fit in. I feel like the one they don't understand. It is strange, I do feel like in other circles, most people find me to be a likable person. Most people I encounter in life seem to enjoy my humor, and I form friendships easily. But it just has never been that way with my family. I always feel like I am on the outside of some really great inside joke. hmmmm. Could be in my head, or not. I guess I will never know, and it is out of my control. But it still hurts. Maybe it is these out of whack hormones causing me to ponder this and have these feelings surface.

Well, that is an update on what is happening with me. If I get around to it, I will post some pics of my growing belly, and if I get my scanner working, I may even get some ultrasound pics posted soon.

Peace and Happy New Year!

Trish

With arms wide open

I'm wondering if anyone stills checks out my little blog. I do not post much, but somethings just need to be shouted from the rooftops... Hope the message is obvious!



Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man I have to be
I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
With arms wide open
I'll show you everything ...oh yeah
With arms wide open..wide open

My Little Dancer

Just wanted to share some pictures from Abby's recital!

Hurting for our Kids

The bond that God created between a mother and a child is so amazing. We feel their joy, we feel their pain. We want to guard them from the hurts of this life, even though we know we can't and that they need to experience those hurts just like we have.

What strikes me is that when one of my children is going through a difficult time, it causes me to reflect on that one great loss they have endured. The loss that I still at the age of 39 have not had to live through -- the loss of their father. My son is struggling with the pains of being a boy. He has a baseball coach who puts winning above the spirit of the child. And my child is not making the cut, and therefore is spending entire games on the bench. Mike loves baseball, sometimes so much that it makes me crazy. The boy would eat, drink and sleep baseball if I would allow it. But the fact of the matter is -- he has not had a dad to play with him, to teach him, to take the interest in him -- like these other boys have had. I have played catch with him when I could. But I'm a girl, am not very athletic, and until last year, was a fulltime working solo mom of two. Not a whole lot of time for catch.

Watching his frustration, feeling like I want to help but I can't, just hurts. It's only little league -- I do not want to be one of those over-zealous parents. I know he is not as good as those other boys. But to see the look of disappointment on his face breaks my heart.

He has a really good step-dad. But it still brings back to me the pain that his birth-dad is not here, and has not been here for a really long time. What would he be telling Mike if he were here? What words of wisdom would he have for his son? How would he help build our son's confidence? I suppose he would be doing just what I am doing, and what Brad is doing. Just telling him we are proud of him. Telling him we support whatever decision he makes regarding this stupid baseball team. Reminding him that this is just another life lesson, and that life is more than just baseball.

If Ed could say anything to his children, I think this song pretty much sums it all up:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LraZEoRnkPc

One Year Ago Today!

The fairytale began...

...and it's still going strong.

I love you, honey!

Trish

The Happiest Place on Earth

Last week, Brad and I took the kids to Disney World. We were celebrating our one year family anniversary. Last year, Brad and I took our honeymoon without kids to Hawaii, so we thought it fitting that for our first anniversary, we do something to celebrate with the kids.

It truly is the happiest place on Earth! We had a blast! Some highlights were hitting all 4 parks, a surprise visit from Clayton's Grandpa and Grandma, swimming with sharks and manta rays, and just having tons of fun as a family. The kids were the perfect ages for Disney, and although we said it was the trip of a lifetime, I know we will be back again soon.

Here are a few more pics:

And the two become one

For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations. Psalm 100: 5

This post is dedicated to Marsha and Kent, on the eve of their wedding. I'm so happy for both of you. Wishing you a long healthy life of contentment, peace, joy, and companionship. You deserve all the best.

Congratulations Marsha and Kent!

Senseless Killing

It has become all too familiar to us. Another senseless shooting spree occurred yesterday. This one hits close to home, here in Illinois. The gunman was a student here at U of I, and a resident of Champaign, where I work. As I read the headlines and watch the coverage unfold on CNN, it is announced that the killer was "off his meds". And a sinking feeling is felt in the pit of my stomach.

I am in no way an expert on medications used to treat anxiety, depression and mental illness. I know people think the world of these drugs and I know many people find relief with these pills. But I am an expert on what they did to my late husband. Before I knew Ed, when he was trying to get sober, he was put on Prozac. By the time I met him, he was wonderful. He was a nice, happy, adjusted guy. What I didn't know is that just before meeting him, he had to stop his prozac because he could not longer afford it.

I will never know what happens to one's brain when this medication is stopped. A few years later, when Ed could barely get out of bed each day and could no longer hold down a job, he sought help once again. This "doctor" tried a variety of coctails on my husband. She knew he was a recovering alki, knew he took prescription pain pills daily, and then she added to it some anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, sleeping pills, tranquilizers. You name it, they tried it. Each new med would be tried for a week or two or maybe three. Then he would complain how it wasn't working, or made him feel worse, etc. She would then change to something else.

In the weeks prior to his death, Ed was slurring his speech, and had barely gotten out of his bathrobe. He was sleeping 18 hours a day on average. He did not give the "doctor" permission to discuss his condition with me, his wife. So I was left to try to figure things out on my own. She never concerned herself with all of the additional pills from Ed's unfinished prescriptions. Those pills became Ed's method of choice to end his life.

I watched those meds turn a man who was full of life into an emotional mess who could not carry on a conversation. He went from a man who loved playing with his kids and teaching them new things, to a man who felt his kids would be better off growing up without their dad.

What does all this have to do with the tragedy in Dekalb? I'm not sure. But I think we as a society need to look closely at the issues of "quick fixes" to try to correct depression and anxiety.

This is, of course, my completely biased opinion.

My condolenses to the victims families and friends, and all that have been touched by this senseless tragedy.

Kids can be so mean

My heart is simply breaking tonight for my oldest child. I was sitting at home when he got home from school this afternoon, due to his little sister coming down with a virus at school today. I asked him how his day was, and he replied with "horrible". It seems he was playing a little football on the playgroun after school with 3 other boys. The two he was playing against were in fifth grade -- Mike and his other friend are in fourth. Seems there was an arguement over a play that ended in Mike scoring a touchdown. Words were said, then this 5th grader decided to whale on my son. He punched him 3 times in the stomach and one good punch to his face.

Mike fell to the ground, did not hit back, while his friend threatened to get the principal. This got the bullies attention and he began apologizing profusely. Mike told him it was ok, and by this time, his friends dad pulled up to take them home. He did not tell anyone at the school.

Tonight he came to me, so worried. What should he do? Should he talk to his teacher tomorrow? I honestly do not know. If he doesn't tell, he feels this kid is getting away with this. If he does tell, he fears drawing negative attention to himself. UGH. As I look at his face, he has a definate fist sized mark on the side of his face. I told him to stop worrying about what to do. He has a strong tendancy towards worrying and anxiety.

Well, we talked for a while, and he opens up to me that he has about 5 good friends at school, but just about everyone else picks on him and teases him. He loves sports, and likes to play at recess. But the kids he plays with are mean to him. I don't know why. He is very outgoing, and probably a little nerdy with his sense of humor (gets it honest from me). He is probably not the most coordinated kid, but he still loves to play. I feel what really is happening is that this "popular" kids have picked up on the fact that he is a pretty insecure kid. I think he is really lacking in self-esteem. Sometimes this causes him to boast when he does well. Sometmes it causes him to try to draw too much attention to himself. He is also emotional, and therefore probably reacts to the teasing, hence making himself a target for more teasing. I was teased relentlessly as a kid, for many of the same reasons. I HATE WATCHING MY SON GO THROUGH WHAT I WENT THROUGH. It is breaking my heart.

I don't know if I helped him any. I told him that I wanted him to focus on the friends he has. I told him to not try to "fit in" with these other kids. Stick with the kids that you have things in common with. If kids are jerks to you, don't continue to try to hang out with them. As far as the fight, I told him we would discuss this tomorrow. How do I help him? How do I help without interferring? Why did his F&^%$#%$ dad have to kill himself, leaving him so fragile and vulnerable?

I just want him to be happy and secure in who he is. How do I help him?

Happy New Year!

I know it's been a while since I last blogged, and I have probably lost most of my readers, but that's ok. But I'm back, only with the excuse of "been busy" as we all are.

Here we are, in 2008... It is so nice to look back on a year gone by and feel that it was a really good year. Really, Reaaaallllly good! Just over a year ago, on December 23rd, 2006 Brad proposed to me -- and that is where it all began. I can actually say that 2007 has made up for all the crap of the previous 4 years. Felt like it was my reward for perservering... In 2007 I started a new job, in a new town. I moved nearly 150 miles away from the only city I have ever called home. I changed my children's school mid-year. We bought a new beautiful house. Brad and Clayton moved in, and in May, we all became one family. I am now the proud mom of three great kids. And the happy wife of the most amazing man. Yes, 2007 was a year of blessings.

It was also a year of change, and some struggles. Blending a family is not always easy. 6, 8 and 10 year olds -- two boys who were used to always getting their way makes for lots of power struggles and bickering. I will admit that some days they drive me completely NUTS! But we are adapting, all of us. And I hope that by this time 2009 many of the struggles will be a distant memory.

No resolutions this year. I am conituing on my journey to better health... getting more active, eating better. I have gotten Brad to join me, which will help me tremendously. I have fallen off the wagon since Thanksgiving, but it is time to get back on it... tomorrow. I swear! lol

Other than that, there is nothing too exciting to report. I hope that 2008 is a year filled with much love, health, and happiness for all of my friends out there reading.

Peace,

Trish

Homework Fun

I am the proud mother of three wonderful children. That being said homework x 3 = Insanity! Yes, that is an actual math equation, I do believe. Last night I was helping Clayton with his spelling words. Today was the test, and his teacher creativelysent home spelling tic tac toe. Where instead of just studying the spelling words in the old fashioned boring way, she came up with 12 "fun" ways to spell your words. Here is the trick... all three ways need to be in a row (ie the tic tac toe part!)

Of course I pull out the sheet to discover that the last method of spelling for the row was....

Spell all your words in shaving cream.

So, what's a mom to do? Go to the dollar store and buy a can of shaving cream, why of course! So, I set him up in the bathtub with his shaving cream, and I call the words out. What I did not realize until half way through the list is that you're supposed to spread the cream out, and they write with their finger in the shaving cream... No, I had the little guy acting like a full fledged grafitti artist with his can of shave. Wish I had the camera... it was quite a site. By the end, we both had shaving cream in our hair and he was slipping around in the tub having a blast.

Here is the kicker... the boy who mispelled 6 out of 12 words just 24 hours earlier didn't miss a word in the shaving cream. I hope he does as well on the test with his pencil and paper. Maybe I should suggest they actually take the test in shaving cream next time!

Anyway, it was a really good bonding experience for me and my new son, and I thought I would share.

Get Moving

That's my motto for 2007.

I'm moving. I'm changing. It is slower than I 'd like, but I am still going to do it.

Week four is going well. I took this morning off to stay in bed and cuddle with my hunny, but I will hit the gym tonight while my son is at Soccer Practice. You would be so proud of me... I went out of town this weekend, and stayed at my mom's house on Friday night. I woke up Saturday morning at 6am, used her weights, and then walked 2 miles... all before I had to be on the road again at 8. Woo Hoo!!! Yeah me!!!

I'm not going to worry about scales and pant sizes. Not now. It will take time. I'm just going to keep making better choices... choosing to get up and move instead of stay in bed and sleep. Choices to eat something lean and healthy instead of something fast and fattening. I ate a McDonald's cheesburger on Monday and it tasted sooooo disgusting. Yes, fast food is losing it's appeal to me. I think the fast food industry is criminal, the way they market to us and our children. It was my choice to eat that crap over the past five years, cause it was quick and easy, and my life was stressful. Now I am saying NO. No More. It doesn't take that much effort to grill a chicken breast and steam some veggies. And it tastes so much better.

Thanks to all of you for your support. It means so much to me. And Anja, there is plenty of flubber on this 5 ft. body... but soon to be less. lol! Hope you are enjoying Holland and your family.

Linda, keep pumping the water. And the Drumsticks are probably freezer-burnt and will taste like cr&p! Toss em!!! Love you madly, dear!

I am seriously thinking about trying Alli, as I have been doing quite well at limiting my fat and calorie intake... wonder if it works.... ah, I'm too cheap. Think I'll keep doing it the natural way.

Off to work... thanks for reading

Week Three of Project Me

I'm nearing the end of my thirda week of working out and trying to eat better. I have managed for three weeks to get to the gym and exercise for 30-45 minutes a day, 6 days a week. In the morning, mind you, and I am not a morning person.

I haven't freqented a fast food restaurant in that time. I have drank at least 64 oz of water each day. I have limited my other frinks to one Diet Pepsi a day. I have cooked a balanced dinner everynight this week, and brought leftovers for lunch the next day. I've eated my egg and whole wheat toast each morning. I've taken my vitamins. I've even done this all while suffering from really horrendous seasonal allergies. (Which I believe are better this year because I am doing this).

Can someone tell me why my pants are not fitting better? Why I am not seeing any difference in my body?

I'm frustrated. I need to start seeing some results, I'm not looking for anything major. Just a little looser fit on my waist line.

Ok, gotta run. I will keep on keeping on. It has to start happening soon.

The long and winding road

I was reading on the Widow Board this morning about others who have experienced losing a spouse to suicide. Yes, after five years I still frequent the YWBB. Not so much for support, as to hopefully give someone a glimmer of hope. I can remember (barely) those early days of grief. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. All I saw when I looked forward was pain. It was dark and I was all alone, or so I thought.

Suicide causes a myriad of emotions to be dealt with. Anger, sadness, angst, guilt, deep feelings of abandonment, feeling like you were not "good enough" to stick around for, caregiver relief, fear of what others are thinking, remorse for every little thing you did in your marriage that "MAY" have caused the suicide. Yes, that is the mind of a SOS. It's a long winding road, this complicated grief. It is not linear. at first the dips and curves toss us and turn us every which way. Just when you feel you have worked through one emotion, you are hit with three more, and then the one you had "put behind you" makes a reappearance in your life.

Today, five years later, I feel I am on a more peaceful plain. My road is not so chaotic. I can honestly say that the stigma of suicide does not bother me, the emotions do not creep up on me like they once did. My mourning is in the past, for the most part. The loss is forever a part of who I am. Ed is forever a part of who I am. But today, I see the good that has come from surviving this experience. I can love more fully. I can appreciate the gifts we receive in this life. I treasure my new husband, wow, I have been blessed.

But still I look back and am amazed at the long and winding road of grief and survival that now lies behind me. I would have never made it without my friends and a God who loves me so.

Working Out would be so much easier if....

I weren't so dang fat! lol

I've made through week two of working out. Today I feel really great, but will admit that rest of the week was a real struggle. I'm getting up at 6:30, going to the gym for 30-40 minutes, going home to get myself ready for work, and three kids ready for school. We are out the door at 7:50 so I can take them and the 2 neighbor kids to two different schools, and get on the road to work. I get here at 8:30, and then the real fun begins.

I WANT to enjoy this. I want the extra energy getting active provides. It is just soooooo hard to create this new habit, new lifestyle.

I have DRAGGED myself out of bed each day this week.

When does it get easier?

As they say in AA, one day at a time. Keep on keeping on. 11 years ago I completely changed my life... one day at a time. The only way out is through. Keep it Simple Stupid. Yes, I can see how this is similar.

And as much as I don't want to "diet" (hate that 4-letter word), I do need to provide my body with the foods that will give me the energy to workout. I feel better today cause after working out I cooked a egg and some whole grain toast. Need to get my vitamins pumping too. Think I will go online and order my protien shakes I used to like so much.

Ok, I can do this. Week two was a success. Keep on keeping on!!! And I am so happy to see some of my fellow bloggin-widows have decided to join me in my quest to get moving! How's it going, girls? I hope it is going well. We're in this together!